Excerpt from Upcoming Noir Mystery Thriller: A Sinful Lady Innocent

This story, like most stories, begins with a dame. Don’t take offense ladies; dame, noun, reserved for a woman of such great stature, honor, power and grace as to be the equivalent of a knight. From the Latin or Old French domina, meaning mistress. Which, subsequently is also a noun, meaning a woman in a position of authority or control, such as being the mistress of one’s situation no matter how mired with entropy. Other meanings, a female who has taken the position of head of her household, or a woman who is extremely skilled in a particular subject or activity. From the Old French maistresse, meaning master.

So yes, both in terms of gender and the very nature of the word, this story begins with a dame. Unfortunately, said dame happened to be laying on the floor in a more wretched state of affairs. The predominant question at the time, next to who and why, was whether or not she suffered.

“Looks like we’ve got a real psychopat on our ands, eh Byron? Serial killer I bet.” Jayson Pierce half asked me and half told, dropping the H like he often did, his voice thick with a combination Welsh and Jamaican accent. The chief of police with seven years tenure in the position, there weren’t many that would argue his manner of speech. That was, in the ego and sensibilities of most higher ups, a surefire way to ensure you would not be climbing the corporate ladder any time soon.

“…I’m not so sure Jaice; right now you’re only reconnoitering the most obvious traits of the victim’s field.” I posited, slipping easily yet with practiced control out of my long coat. I held the sage green blended, double breasted turn down collar affair out to my assistant, bodyguard and constant compatriot who took it wordlessly. No eye contact was necessary; I was already focused deep on the woman in plum laid so carefully out on the floor. Shi’Sanna Bronsen took my coat, and carefully folded it over one bare, well toned arm before returning to her candy.

“Ow ya figer, Byron?” Jayson inquired, reaching up to remove his derby cap and then thinking better of it. Good man; no sense contaminating the crime scene with loose strands of hair, though his raven would’ve certainly stood out against her blonde.

“This is too intimate for a serial killer.” I reasoned, slipping on a pair of sterile white gloves.

“Ow so? See’s got er digits acked off, asn’t see?” Jayson grumbled, never one to enjoy being told he’s wrong.

“Good way to make sure there’s no DNA to be found under her fingernails, certainly. Still, too much else is off.”

“Suc’ as?”

“…”

I took a deep breath. She smelled too pretty to be a corpse.

“For one, there’s the perfume. For another, the outfit. The color coding is ludicrously careful, and the care of the arrangement… Look at her heels, the shoes not literal. She’s worn them often enough, and had them restored more than once. Her hair is immaculate, her makeup perfectly sculpted.

“Intimate. Someone knew her and knew her well. Someone wanted her to die in her Sunday best. Favorite clothes, and I bet if we searched her kit we’d find enough of the makeup to hazard a better than average guess that she likes this color and brand a great deal. Then, there’s the room.”

I rose, and nearly drowned in the intoxication of the rich. Sprawled out before me was a spread that would’ve paled only beside Solomon’s. To say that the victim, a one Suzanne Headly, had done well for herself would be an understatement of the magnitude as to say it is cold in Fairbanks, Alaska in the winter.

Everything was designer, none of it off the rag. A good number of pieces were likely made to order, and at least several vases and other such conversation starters had been featured in some museum or other. There were tapestries hand woven or stitched from remote villages with names too difficult to pronounce and reputations too volatile for a pretty white blonde to venture without entourage. The floor to ceiling windows lining the living room wall had a view of the city that was not just enviable, it was beyond decadent.

The colors and set pieces themselves were coordinated to such an obsessive compulsive degree that I doubted Suzanne owned a single piece of clothing that didn’t fit to great perfection. Even so, when you looked at the deceased, eerily resplendent woman on the floor it was clear this outfit matched the best.

“…This is more than just a psychopath’s playground, and deeper than an ordinary crime of passion. The evening may not have begun with murder on the mind, but the act committed was calculated for a very long time. Call it a hunch.”

“Well I, ey’! Wat are ya doin’ Bronsen?!” Jayson suddenly erupted. I turned my head just so. Shi’Sanna was crouched low, lightly touching at a spot on Suzanne’s throat.

“C’mon Jaice, you oughta know this by now. Shi’Sanna can’t get her prints on anything. Can’t leave behind what you don’t have.” I sighed with annoyance. I hated repeating myself and clarifying what ought already be clear.

“I know, but it still might muss sometin’ up!” he began our age old argument. I bit back a bitter retort as Shi’Sanna slowly looked my way.

“The foundation is sloppy. The foundation was applied, and then re-applied, and then re-applied. The marks are not even despite being meticulous. The hand was shaking. Look here; these marks are from choking. These ones are not.” Came her deep, rich voice, her Trinidadian accent somewhat mired by the years abroad.

And, with that, Shi’Sanna stared at her smudged white fingertips, odd against her rich, whipped chocolate tone, and stood. I nodded, and she took my kerchief out of her pocket to wipe them clean. Retrieving the sucker from behind her ear, she returned to staring idly out of the floor to ceiling windows at the twinkling, pulsating night below.

She likely wouldn’t say anything else for the rest of the investigation beyond “Boss”. Some people mistake Shi’Sanna for being slow; she’s just a woman of few words more often than not.

“We’ll obviously want to examine the rest of the flat, but, one thing is certain. Somewhere along the line, love became hate, and someone very intelligent performed a murder tonight nearly ritualistic in its devotion. Though, I could be wrong. Perhaps not necessarily a lover, rather someone obsessed? Too many variables right now. Either way…it looks like I have a rather interesting case on my hands, now don’t I?”

“Mmm, look at you, some kinda super detective ya?” Jayson chided, a familiar spark forming in his eyes.

“…No,” I began slowly as I turned.

“Life has simply provided me a great many years with very little to do save pay close attention to my surroundings.”

My name is Byron Carmichael, and this is the beginning of a murder that would soon be known as a Sinful Lady Innocent.

Come, let’s walk hand in hand down the annals of the hallways of necrosis and despair…

Let’s Talk About My Father

Good evening et all. Sorry to keep you waiting.

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There’s a reference in here somewhere.

Tonight I’d like to talk about my father. Yes, I’m sure you’re curious about what the studio has been up to since the announcement on Xeawn’s Gaming Corner that we’ve shifted focus from content reporting to content creation.

All in due time, I assure you.

Tonight, however, I’d like to talk about my father. Permit me to wax poetic, if you will.

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Societal Emphasis: Feel Better

I think society has something wrong about the core concept of the ideal of wanting someone to feel better.  I do, I really do. Why? Well, I’ve got quite a lot going on, and it’s given me quite a lot of time to think. To think about our society. To think about our programming. And, to think about how startlingly remarkably selfish humanity can be even while endeavoring to be exude passion, understanding and support.

I’ve got a lot going on. My dog was potentially stolen, a dear relative has been diagnosed with cancer, I’ve got various other things occurring and in the midst of it are two thoughts that I turn over and over again. I’ve got a friend, we’ll call him Scotland, who I enjoy speaking to at length quite immensely. Scotland and I get up to all manner of discussion. Sometimes it’s Scotland, Fargo, and myself sitting in my flat debating society and the ages. Now I feel left out because this story doesn’t warrant me having a codename. Let’s call me…Dullahan.

Because I like the Dullahan legend.

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How Many Holes?

September 22, 2014

Authory Thoughts Day 1

How many holes? That’s my question for today, the one that seems to be pressing on my mind. I feel like there’s a novel in there, and wherever it is it isn’t buried very far beneath the surface.

There’s an old adage that asks about the existence of a sock. The adage, or perhaps anecdote, more or less goes as thus: You have a pair of socks. They’re your favorite socks. You love them, and so you don’t want to get rid of them no matter what. Over time, however, they get a hole. No big deal; you just patch the hole. Over time they get another, so you patch that too.

They get another, and another, and another. How much time goes by, how many holes do you patch, before they’re no longer your favorite old pair of socks anymore?

And so it is with people.

I wonder, how many holes in our lives can we patch and fill until we aren’t the same person any longer? Is that a bad thing? Does it have to be? I think that all falls down to just what you fill those holes with.

I started reading my Bible at work again today; it’d been a while since I’d done that. As I read over Matthew and thought about Mary and Joseph’s journeys, their trials and their tribulations, I thought about the depths of a mother’s love, and the measure of a man.

How many men today could be told not to worry about their suddenly pregnant fiancé, and trust that they ought to stand by her side? Not that there’s going to be another immaculate birth, but, if you were Joseph would you make the same decision? I feel awful for Mary; it must have been terrifying to be in her position. Had Joseph not heeded God’s words, she would have been publically shamed and disavowed as a harlot.

Still, she stayed the course, as did he. And, they continued on their path even knowing that their son would one day have to be abused and murdered for people who thousands of years later still spit and excrete on his sacrifice.

I wish I could have sat there next to Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane. What would I have said to him? What could I? Just to sit next to that man, that man who was about to willingly march into a torture inconceivable by most.

Jesus was afraid before he died, just briefly. He sat alone in the Garden of Gethsemane, with all of his closest friends, his family, unable to even stay up one night with him and pray. He was alone. He sat there in that Garden talking to his Father and said “If this cup could pass another…”

He was afraid, but he was willing. I want to weep when I think about it. Words can’t describe how awful I feel for him in that moment. We think we have unreliable people in our lives, yet there he sat waiting for his friend and student to betray him, all alone in that Garden with no one beside him, just him and his father.

And, the very next day to be dragged away, whipped and beaten, spat upon and so much more, and to watch his friends all flee and hide in caves and such waiting for the nightmare to blow over. To watch the man whom he called the rock he would build his church upon deny him, curse him, call him out on his name just as Christ knew that he would…

You can’t get mad at the Apostles though. You can’t get upset. You can’t hate on them or blame them. Not really. Because, most of us live in a country where the worst we’d have to deal with is a few people not wanting to talk to us, and yet we punk out on our faith all the time. I’m talking about myself too here.

Every time you don’t have the courage to stand up for the man who died for you just because you’re afraid of not fitting in or being shunned, we’re just as bad as Peter was. In some ways we’re just as bad as Judas. After all, aren’t we selling Christ out too, every time our actions show that we condone the actions of the world?

Something to think about, for sure.

I’m working on a novel called Fugue. It involves murder, despair, entropy, schizophrenia and triumph. I’m thinking about doing an episodic release online; five dollars an episode or something minute like that. I’m also going to be moving over to Amazon’s camp as soon as I get the time to redo my covers to fit their standards (they originally weren’t designed to have words on the front of them).

I’m also fast approaching the time to release The Blackest Rain; I just need to decide if I’m going to combine the ashcan and the first novel into one book, or still do two separate releases.

And, on my sister site www.xeawnsgamingcorner.com, I’ll be reviewing Murasaki Baby by OvoSonico at some point in the near future.

Last but not least, I’ve taken to writing my novels in journals, and then dictating them to a computer later. Carpal tunnel aside, I find it a very rewarding experience.

God bless, keep writing, and enjoy a good book. Xeawn, out.

So Long and Thanks for All the Fish (Originally on Xeawn’s Gaming Corner)

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Well Anaheim, it’s been real! Real awesome, real memorable, real…ly…great…
Anyway, the convention has come and gone and the time has come for this guy to return to his old stomping grounds!

In the days to come, look forward to myriad new updates, including video interviews with some of your favorite developers, tons of pictures, and previews of hot spankin’ new games!

In addition, please look forward to updates on upcoming Dragon House Studios novels as well.

Until then, this is Xeawn R. signing out!

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Would You Still Love Me If I…

Love is a wonderful thing. I find myself writing about it often, even though that’s never my intention. There’s generally almost always a romantic plot or subplot to my writing, and even if we aren’t talking the “Let’s get married!” sort of love, the big L is still a large part of what I write.

I’m a romantic. I got it from my smarmy parents I guess. What’s more, God is love, and Christ is the center of my life and my first true love, and so since Love is our great commission from Him it stands to reason I can’t help writing about it quite often.

I enjoy writing love stories, and I feel compelled to because of the ridiculous concept of “love” that worldly media paints. Drama and gossip is exciting, and we want to feel justified when we act how we shouldn’t. Wouldn’t it be a lovely thing if someone told you that everything you ever did in your life was the right thing to do?

We have so many books and movies that tell you it’s okay to be caught between two lovers, yoyo-ing back and forth between them as it tickles your fancy. They tell you its okay to leave someone at the drop of a hat for someone else, and they reinforce the idea that the moment someone you claim to love is injured, damaged, difficult or not quite the same as when you started that you’re justified in up and leaving.

Let me just be blunt and state that doesn’t make you driven, focused, flirtatious or any of the above. It makes you a coward, plain and simple.

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Still, there are some stories that use this plot device and do so in a fascinating manner. One of my favorite movies in all of its various re-imaginings is Appleseed (despite Briareos suddenly not being an ethnic other any longer…). Most recently, as of a few years back, they did a movie titled Appleseed: Ex Machina. I believe it was the first movie I rushed out to get on blu-ray. The rebooted story follows Deunan Knute and hubby Briareos on a mission to stop a rogue AI from wiping out the planet as we know it. Briareos was mortally wounded in the line of duty some years prior, and his body was all but destroyed. Much of it was replaced with cybernetic enhancements, leaving him with only his arms intact. Little did they know that the force they worked for had cloned Briareos for reasons implied to relate to his amazing prowess in battle.

The top brass decide that the clone, Tereus, will accompany Deunan and Briareos as they attempt to stop the Halcon virus, and despite her best efforts Deunan can’t help but feel herself pulled between the two of them. Being a clone of Briareos from before his World War III injuries, he has the face and voice of the man she loved for many years, and of course the vast majority of his mannerisms and traits as well. While his own man, his clone origins leave Tereus deeply attracted to Deunan and his orders make him almost eager to see Briareos fall to the virus and go berserk.

Watching Deunan’s struggles was a painful and intriguing experience; the story was realistic and well written. The resolution was exceedingly well done as well.

Love is a trigger word for my wallet; if you’re not writing a meritless story about some girl bouncing between all the guys she likes, rather a true love story you’ll likely get my money. I loved the “How Far Would You Go for the One You Love?” tag of Shadow of the Colossus, and likely would’ve given it a shot even without the amazing gameplay and concept that came with it. What I’ve played of Xenoblade and Pandora’s Tower was great as well.

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I also love stories that demonstrate the love and devotion of family, such as Nier Gestalt and Lone Wolf and Cub.

I feel like love is a great emotion to convey in a story; it resonates with everyone. We all either have love or want love, and can all either give love or take love in some capacity or another. We can be in love, we can be loved, we can reject love, we can desire love, and the big L has caused great nations to rise and fall across time immemorial. Love is one of the most powerful emotions in our arsenal, both in life and in the pen. Love and Fear are two of my favorite swords to cut my literary path with; they’re emotions that reach us on a very primal level and often times go hand in hand.

Love and Fear, Fear and Love, they go together like the sun and the moon. When you have love, perhaps you fear losing it. When you don’t, perhaps you fear gaining it, or never finding it again. Perhaps you were cut deeply by love, and so experience fear. Perhaps you reject fear, and desire love. Intertwined, they oft become two halves of the same whole.

My upcoming dual release of The Blackest Rain: Sorrow and The Blackest Rain Book 1: The Sovereign explore those halves in a very raw and real manner. On the outset we’ve got the story of the devil slayer Rosalia Valentine reeling from the death of her uncle who raised her setting off on a mission to save the children of a small protestant village from a demonic Count. Beneath that we have her fighting to recover from the betrayal of her boyfriend/fiance of four years, a night walker called Vincent, and the return of the first man to break her heart, a German devil slayer by the name of Graham Himmel.

Rose is caught between the pain of her uncle’s death, the betrayal of Vincent, the return of Graham, and the anniversary of the day her mother abandoned her at age six. Somehow she has to hold on to her faith in God while struggling against all of these conflicts thrown in her face one after the other. And now, Graham wrestles with being content to be by Rose’s side during this time of great conflict and turmoil, and his irresistible urge to try and rekindle the flames he’d smothered so many years ago.

“Would you still love me…if I broke your heart?”

In More Than a Fairytale Book 1: Xea’s Story, we see the destruction of the relationship of trust and confidence between protagonist Xea and older sister Leah, as well as the loss of faith between parent and child therein. As Xea is suddenly caught up in an otherworldly conflict, having to battle against the forces of the dark empress known only as The Mistress, the question between parent and child becomes

“Would you still love me…if this was all my fault?”

and between siblings becomes

“Would you still love me…if I failed to protect you?”

Love is a beautiful, wonderful, terrible, powerful weapon/tool/emotion/state of being. Please do wield responsibly.

More Than a Fairytale Book 1: Xea’s Story has been temporarily taken down as we move to a new publisher, and will be available once again mid May.

The Blackest Rain: Sorrow and The Blackest Rain Book 1: The Sovereign will both be available for purchase following the June 7th First Friday launch event at Dessert First in Anchorage, Alaska. We’ll be taking pre-orders the week prior.

-Eugene W.

“Xeawn”

@DragonHouseAK

http://www.dragonhousestudios.org

http://www.xeawnsgamingcorner.com

Double Dragons…Cain and Abel?

 

Makes ya think, doesn’t it? This will be a new bi-weekly segment on my youtube channel Dragon House Studios. Feel free to request the next game I do, but do know that it’ll be through a Godly lens, so, don’t expect me to find a way to say something nice about Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Summoners!

Relevant Irrelevance

Good morning all. As some of you may have noticed, it’s been quite quiet on both this and my gaming blog, http://www.xeawnsgamingcorner.com. The reason for this, is that I’ve been on a fast (that will last for another week, ending on the 20th). Part of this fast, in addition to the food bits, had the following rules, or covenants:

1) Limit your exposure to music that is not Christian
2) Limit your exposure to television that is not Christian
3) Limit your exposure to other forms of media (see: gaming) that is not Christian

Along side these rules, there were the usual food related ones. Limit the amount of meat you have, between certain hours (in our case 12 am to 12 pm) only consume water, tea, juice or coffee, come together to break your fast with your family, etcetera. Only…yeah…the Holy Spirit has a way of convicting us all differently, and for me the covenant read more like:

1) No music that is not Christian
2) No television that is not Christian
3) No other forms of media that are not Christian
4) Nothing but water between the hours of 12 am and 12 pm
5) One small meat dish for dinner
6) You can have an apple and an orange or two apples or two oranges at lunch…also a sandwich.

Yup, the Lord was hardcore on a brother! Now, interestingly enough, around two in the morning on the second day the Lord was like “You can read Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit, Narnia, C.S. Lewis and Tolkien were Christian writers. Their books were allegories for the Bible, so, Tolkien/Lewis books, movies, games are okay” which was nice, as I’m a pretty big gamer. The day after that, I was allowed to drink juice. The day after that I was allowed to drink tea. Also, on the second or third day I was allowed to listen to piano and string symphonies, which was super nice because I am not a fan of contemporary gospel.

Thus far I’ve maintained only watching Christian movies and television, which has been a bit of a challenge as well, and I’ve of course maintained the food part of the fast. This second week of the fast (it’s a fourteen day fast) I’ve been allowed more things by the Holy Spirit than the prior. I started out with just Ruzzle, a fun competitive word game that I play with my sister, later was allowed, or rather sunk to the level of playing, Bejeweled (I feel sick to my stomach that I got really, really good at that “game”…), later Tetris, and spent a good bit of time with Lord of the Rings: War in the North, a.k.a. the only good one.

Well, no, Conquest was decent. I guess. I stayed away from the Narnia games though. There are no good Narnia games…

Later I spent a bit of time with games such as Earth Defense Force 2017 for the Vita that weren’t Christian, but also weren’t antisemitic the same way, for instance, Gran Turismo would be. Except, ya know, EDF is an actual game and not a really pretty simulator that claims to be one. ZING!

In addition to the fasting, my sister and I have been doing the 90 Day Bible Plan, and each of us has been convicted in different areas. My father, for example, had no conviction with seeing Tom Cruise’s new action movie on a date night with my mom, pastor and pastor’s wife. The Holy Spirit convicts us all differently, and the covenant of the fast did say to “limit”, not to abstain from.

I didn’t really give it second thought why the Lord was being so hardcore with me on this fast; I’m generally of the frame of mind that when God gives you orders, you don’t question them, you strive to fulfill them. Of course, part of a fast is praying and seeking to understand God’s word and will in your life. I realized through prayer that a large part of why God was so strict with me, was to show me quite starkly how barren the harvest of the Lord is for out of the box Christians.

A bit of background on myself and my town, I’m from and live in Anchorage, Alaska. By and large, if you don’t drink, club and party, there isn’t a lot to do here if you aren’t the outdoorsy type. We have bars, strip clubs, movie theaters, and that’s really about it. If you don’t hike, hunt, fish, etc., you’re pretty hard pressed to find something to do around here.

My musical tastes are as follows:

A) Jazz
B) Swing Jazz
C) Lounge
D) House
E) Piano
F) Chamber Orchestra
G) J Rock
H) J Pop
I) K Rock
J) K Pop
K) Hip hop
L) …….SOME dubstep
M) Anything by Daft Punk and most things by Digitalism and Shinichi Osawa

So for me and Christian music there’s…..nothing. I’m not a fan of old school hymns; they’re too slow and…slow for my taste, and I’m not big into the usual kick up your heels organ styles of contemporary gospel. I was able to get into some Mary Mary, some Canton Jones and some Lecrae, but I also don’t do pop and thug/gangster/club rap, so by the second week I wanted to chuck my MP3 player at a wall!

I don’t really watch much TV, but I’m a fan of:

A) Film Noir
B) Romance (not “I love this guy but then I met you and now I’m torn”, I mean real romance)
C) Martial Arts
D) Asian Horror Cinema
E) Drama
F) Fantasy
G) Speculative Fiction

Presently my favorite American TV shows are

A) Once Upon a Time
B) Adventure Time
C) Regular Show

and I’m watching a number of anime as well. This brings the number of Christian movies and TV shows I can watch to a resounding…zero. There’s Lord of the Rings and Narnia, but I can’t take any of the Narnia movies seriously and you can only sit through the Lord of the Rings movies so many times. I did enjoy Run On, a comedy show involving the testimonies of three Christian actors, magicians and comics, and Six: The Mark of the Beast. I also saw Spirits Among Us…with all the production values of a someone with a camcorder.

Books? Fantasy, Speculative Fiction and Noir. Books for me? None save for Tolkien and C.S. Lewis. See what I’m getting at here? If you don’t fit into the mold of the contemporary conservative Christian, there is not a lot of gospel to be found. Spending this period of time away from

Oh wait! Video games. Yeah, there’s no Christian video games. Quite a ton of spitting on Christianity and God, mostly from Japanese game developers (sometimes European ones), but no, no Christian video games. Well, Lord of the Rings and Narnia, but again, Narnia video games are AWFUL and the LOTR ones aren’t much better. Exodus on the NES, a Gauntlet clone, was pretty decent…

So yes, if you don’t fit into the mold that the church tells you to, then there’s nothing for you. God’s word does not need to change, God’s word is just as relevant today as it was yesterday as it ever more shall be, but the way that the church seeks to deliver His word is irrelevant to the youth and young adults of today. We don’t like the style of your music, we can’t find Godly movies that aren’t cheesy and don’t have poor production values, there’s no Godly video games, there is nothing for us!

And is the solution of the church to find creative and innovative means to deliver the Word of God without sacrificing its meaning and purity? No. The solution of the church is to condemn us, to say our music is too loud and is unholy, to say our video games make us violent and unsociable, to say our movies are sacrilegious while you still get enjoy yours in the shadows.

Not every church is like this. Not every Christian is like this. But, enough are that the case for Christ is far harder won than needs be. Imagine, what if there was a Christian dubstep artist? I’m not a huge dubstep fan (unless I’m writing an intense fight scene and I feel like being angry, because dubstep pretty much has that effect on me :P), but lots of teens and young adults are. If there was Christian Dubstep people would be all over that! What about Christian lounge music? What about Christian horror movies? What about good Christian video games? I’m not talking about the four hundred different quiz games out there, I’m talking about games that depict the warriors of Chronicles, games that put a sword in one hand and a fireball in the other and have you cutting down armies of demons! RPG’s in sprawling fantasy worlds, shooters battling demons from another plane, fighting games, racing games, the whole nine yards!

And you don’t even necessarily have to throw a cheesy hallmark moment into the mix to get the point across! Simply say “God” instead of “Gods/Goddess”, simply say “Faith” instead of “Magic/Sorcery”, simply say Companion or Pet instead of “familiar”, it’s not that hard! You can do a ghost movie or a movie with demons after the heroes without offending Christianity! You can have action movies that don’t all revolve around a microchip or some documents with the mark of the beast, you can have fantasy movies with elves and goblins and trolls and swords and magi and be completely Biblically sound!

Youth, young adults, Christians everywhere, if you have an outside of the box ministry that the church is trying to stamp out, so long as you are sound by Biblical doctrine, pursue your dreams nonetheless! Do you want to do Christian metal? Do it! Do you want to write Christian fantasy? Write! Do you want to make Christian action movies! Do so! Your worship and your praise need not reflect the conservative views of the church as it is today, because the church as it is today is relevant by the Word of God, but irrelevant in many ways by its execution!

After all, if we kept everything by the “way it’s always been done”, we’d still be in turbans and sackcloth worshiping outside with clanging drums and veils a la the Book of Exodus. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but hey, I live in Alaska; IT’S COLD!!!

Power Under Fire

Sometimes I wonder, especially in my younger days, why it is/was that the heroes always wait until they’re pretty much dead to bust out with their final form or ultimate attack to wipe out the enemy. I saw one explanation for this, or rather was told by a friend, in the new Voltron series. The explanation was that if the heroes busted out with their ultimate attack at the beginning that alone wouldn’t be enough to defeat the enemy. On top of that, the hero would then be too drained and weary to finish the fight. I find this a reasonable explanation I suppose, though if it can’t kill your opponent in one strike I don’t really think it has any business being called your “Ultimate Attack”. I’m just sayin’.

Oh, by the way, the reason why I haven’t seen the new Voltron series despite being a fan of the original? “Voltron-riffic!”

Nuff’ said.

But I digress. Another explanation I’ve seen/heard is the one that was most common when I was younger. The idea was that the hero had to be pushed to the brink of death and truly realize what all could and would be lost if they didn’t push themselves enough to win and save their friends. This rush of power, hope and desperation would then push the hero to reach new heights and grasp power they didn’t realize that they had. The excuse for them getting their teeth kicked in when they’re older is of course that they grew derelict in their training during the years of lasting peace (despite all of them admitting that they always knew/feared that the evil they slew would one day return…)

The third and most obvious answer is because it adds to the dramatic tension and makes for a good story. I suppose many games/anime/movies/tv shows would be boring if the villain was all like “AND NOW HERO, WE WILL HAVE OUR-” and then the hero was all like “GREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAT” and the villain is like “Wait, what are you doing? We’re supposed to have a long drawn out-” and then the hero’s all “DIVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” and then the villain is all “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!” and then he dies. Even so…you would have a lot more blood in you as opposed to on the floor if you took that approach.

A common scene in most every RPG is the “We’re all about to enter the penultimate ‘we might die here’ battle, so, let’s talk to everyone in our party and possibly make kissy face first” scene. This is a good scene to have, because in the hands of a good writer it allows you to see deeper into the characters involved. More importantly, we get to grasp a strong sense of humanity with our otherwise surreal heroes. We may not always identify with the spiky haired warrior with the broadsword or the fair skinned hero or flawless damsel, but we can identify with the mortality of death.

If any of us knew that we were about to walk into a situation where we might die, I think the prevailing sentiment would be to do what you’ve always wanted to first or else tie up whatever loose ends you might have. If I were going into my end of the world battle, there’s a lot I’d like to resolve first. I’d like to make sure that my father knows that I love him and respect him even if we don’t always see eye to eye. I’d like my mother to know that she is my gem and that she is the best mother I could possibly have asked for. I’d like my sister to be reminded that she is both my favorite person and my favorite toy in the whole world. I would like my nephew to know that I believe in him, and have faith in the wonderful things that he is already doing and will continue to grow to do. I’d like for all of my friends to know, well, I’d like them all to know Jesus, but working more with something I could do in half an hour I’d like them all to know that I am praying for them, and that life is too short to keep getting stopped up by our own hangups and miseries past.

I don’t have kids and I don’t have a special someone, but I do have a Pomeranian that I would totally be dumping off on my parents to take care of in my possible absence 😀

One thing that I would not do is sleep, probably. Not for any grand reason such as “Time is too short/too precious”, but really because I just function better under fire. I don’t know what it is, but when everything is chill I tend to procrastinate a lot. When there’s a crisis or things get down to the last minute though, that’s when I’m able to just calmly remove myself from the situation and resolve whatever is going on at the time. I tend to be better at solving other people’s problems than my own, as in the words of Alice “I give myself very good advice, but I seldom follow it”. My friends and loved ones will find themselves in a dreadful pickle, and I calm myself while everyone else is panicking and God deposits a solution.

I can’t help but smile as I write this; someone I know would say that statement is egotistical, but it’s really not. I’m simply blessed to keep a level head when something is outside of directly being in my path. Now, for reasons I can’t possibly explain I tend not to fly into full on panic mode, but lack the capacity to detach myself and find a solution without stressing when it’s my own problem. I’m sure there’s some buried psychological issue/wound/hangup somewhere in my past about that, but, eh. I’ve learned not to dwell to heavily on the past; it’s done and can’t be changed, only learned from.

So let’s get back to power. I wouldn’t sleep. When I think back to every other major or important battle that I’ve had to face, I tend not to sleep more than an hour, get a horrible excuse for a breakfast generally consisting of coffee, strawberry gummies and beef sticks (sometimes a muffin), showing up with a handful of minutes to spare thus giving myself no time to prepare for battle, and then waltzing through the field of combat as though I’d planned the whole thing in advance. Spoiler alert: I didn’t and rarely ever do.

So I think it’s funny. While everyone else would be getting a good nights rest after the obligatory “talk to everyone” chapter, I probably would be sitting in my room staring at the ceiling contemplating bacon and why it’s so utterly wonderful. I’d then probably slump into our shuttle and everyone else would be like “Yeesh, you look like crap!” and I’d be like “Coffee…beef sticks…” and then we’d go fight ultimate evil and kick it in the craw 😀

I think a lot of us tend to function better under fire. Not all of us, but a lot of us. I think it’s also true that a lot of us are better at dealing with other people’s problems than our own. The solution is always so much simpler when it’s not our own heart that we’re trying to change.

Something else that I think about with the heroes busting out their true power near death is the idea of God’s last minute rescues. If I’ve learned nothing else in my relatively short time on this Earth, it’s that God is a really, really big fan of His last minute rescues. I used to think of it more in regards to my own life, how things would always wait until their absolute bleakest before something amazing would happen, but then I really thought about the stories I hear about other saints around the world as well as the Bible itself.

We very rarely ever read about a situation that looks like maybe it’s gonna go south and then God’s like “Oh no, it’s cool, it’s already done”, at least not in the way we see it. For every situation God is already going “I already saved you”, but of course he’s already lightyears beyond the endgame while we’re still mucking about at the start. An example for instance could be Moses and the Israelites. The endgame and their salvation was already set, but that salvation didn’t come at the beginning. Moses and company went through a great period of tribulation before God delivered them, though their salvation was already at hand. Every step of the way even as they suffered, God comforted them and ultimately led them out to freedom. Even after they forsook Him and spat upon His name, He still saw fit to protect them, to deliver them, and to bless them again and again.

When we endure tribulation and feel there is no way out, that is when we call upon God’s divine power the most to save us. We don’t ever truly get our praise on until we feel like we’ve hit the impossible. Many of us wait to exhaust all of our human options before we call out for God’s supernatural one. When we hit that point that is the lowest of the low and we cry out to our Father to save us, none can say any other than God stepped in to protect and deliver them. We seem to only truly find the time to give fierce glory and praise in our darkest hours, and we suffer spiritual amnesia when things are going good.

The endgame, the ending is not always the one that we want, but it is always the one that we need. Speaking from experience, I went through quite a devastating loss some two years ago (was it two? That’s a clear sign God delivered me as any other; I think about it so rarely I can’t even find the time to be aware of when it happened or how long it’s been :D), and I crashed something awful. I was in so much pain, and I never thought I’d be happy again. Every day I cried out to God to step in and fix things, and in my eyes he never did. The situation didn’t change, it just got worse and worse and worse and worse and worse. The harder that I tried to effect positive change in the situation, the more hurt I became while the other party continued on footloose and fancy free.

I was so angry with God. I hated Him. I truly did. I thought to myself “I have done everything that you have ever asked of me! I have not been a flawless servant; no one is, but I HAVE DONE ALL THAT YOU ASKED OF ME! SO WHY? WHY WON’T YOU FIX THIS?! WHY WON’T YOU MAKE THIS BETTER?! WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!?!?!?! WHAT MORE CAN I GIVE?!?!?!?! …what more can I lose?”

Why didn’t He step in? What was wrong with the situation? Why didn’t I get the outcome that I begged for? Simple: it wasn’t in His will. Why did I hurt? Because I was the one blocking my own blessing.

Sometimes what we want with all of our heart isn’t what God wants for us. At the time that can seem impossibly unfair and cruel and unusual and so on and so forth, but, it’s really not. As a child, I wanted to eat nothing but marshmallows and eggs (though not at the same time…often…), but of course my parents wouldn’t allow that. What I wanted wasn’t good for me. They knew better. I’ve learned that God always knows better. Even if I don’t like His plan at the time, it always works out the best in the end.

Ultimately the outcome that I thought I wanted never came to pass. I’m now at a place where I honestly hope it never does. The life and the blessings and the path that God has given me is so much greater than anything I could have possibly imagined; had I gotten what I thought I wanted I sincerely doubt I would have what I know that I do.

Waiting on God isn’t always easy, but we’re far from the last boss fight of our lives. You need any further evidence that you are not the exception but the rule? God waited until His son was dead to rescue him; it doesn’t get any more last minute than that. Yet and still, rescue him He did. In the movie The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel (a movie that does not house ideals I completely agree with, but a beautiful one worth watching nonetheless) there is a line that goes “In India we have a saying. Everything will be alright in the end. If everything is not alright, then it is not yet the end.”

I couldn’t possibly agree with this more. We will constantly be under fire, but God will constantly give us the strength to overcome that fire if only we truly believe and call out to Him to do so. For those that believe, He has already given and deposited within us all the blessings that we will ever need; we need only withdraw from that bank and utilize that power. For those that don’t, well, you can’t possibly expect God to keep bailing you out if you claim not to even believe in Him. He does not abide sin nor does He dwell in it; as Pastor Tony Evans said “God isn’t gonna come in the club to pull you out of it.” If you’re tired of your situation, try something new; try Him.

I was gonna work More Than a Fairytale into this discussion and mention how Xea doesn’t truly grasp the power that’s truly needed until the battle with the Empress forces this change to happen, but, I think that can wait for another time. Hopefully y’all got something out of this; I know I certainly did.

God bless everyone, and to everyone a good night (or morning or afternoon wherever you are).

-Eugene W.
a.ka.
Xeawn

So, Let’s Talk about Death!

So, let’s talk death huh? Yaaay! This is a topic that most people tend to shy away from, which is very interesting. If you are a saved and baptized believer, you know that as Vlad Dracul would say “Transient guests are we.”

We exist in a world that despises both us and our Lord and Savior, and we know that once we depart from this place we’re going to the most wonderful, peaceful and pain free place that we can’t possibly even begin to fathom. Yet people are afraid to talk about dying.

For those of us that are left behind, it can be an awful feeling where, we know our loved ones are in a much better place, but that doesn’t matter too much at the time because we want them here. We want them with us. We miss them, we love them, we need them, and nothing can really prepare you for the pain and loss that you’ll experience, even if you knew it was coming for some time.

I remember when my grandmother Wenona Irma Ward passed, I was completely and totally devastated. I’d been taking care of her for three years as she had gotten very ill in her late life, and every day she was such a large part of mine. I would get up in the morning and come to her room after checking on her all throughout the night. I would help her up, and once she was ready to face her day I’d make sure she had a good breakfast. I would call and check on her and talk to her throughout the day, and when I came home I would make her dinner.

We would eat together and talk about our days, and we would break bread together. I would sit and have tea with her and we would talk about everything under the sun. She would share with me her memories, her joys, her sorrows and her regrets. When she knew that it was her time, two days before we took her to the hospital, she told me

“Grandson, dearest, I want you to promise me something.”

And I said

“Yes ma’am?”

And she said

“Everyone else is going cry when I go home. I’d tell them not to, but, they won’t listen. But you, don’t you cry until I go home. I want you to smile to me, and talk to me, and sing to me, right up until I’m gone. I don’t want my death to cause anyone pain; it’s a happy occasion. When I go though, then you can cry. Promise?”

And I nodded and said

“Yes ma’am.”

And I honored her promise.

I knew that my grandmother was passing, and even then I wasn’t prepared. What really broke me was I wasn’t there when she died. I don’t regret it; she told me “Boy, you better go to work!” and so I did. I’d stayed at the hospital for like, three days and nights with her, and then I went into work that morning. I got the call right after a meeting I was at ended, that was slipping and it was time. I got to the hospital a handful of minutes after she was gone.

I honored my promise and didn’t cry until they had put her in the bag and taken her away. I thought I was ready. I clearly wasn’t. I completely fell apart and sobbed so hard I almost collapsed.

My family and my friends protected and supported me during this time, and I think on her now with nothing but the fondest of memories. Death is never something we’re prepared for, but it always means something. It is no respecter of person; whether you are rich or poor, young or old, brave or cowardly, death comes for us all. The only difference is, where will you go when you die?

John 3:16, “For God so loved the world he gave his only son that whosoever believeth in him shant perish but instead have everlasting life.”

John 4:16 “I am the way the truth and the life; no one comes to the Father but through me.”

Death is permanent, death is no respecter of person, and death should always mean something.

One convention that I’m never very fond of is killing a character and then bringing them back and then killing a character and then bringing them back and so on and so forth. I don’t necessarily mind that near death suspenseful moment where you’re holding your breath and hoping and praying the hero will open their eyes and make it, as long as it’s not dreadfully over used. Overall though, I feel like when you kill a character, especially a protagonist, and then you’re like “Oh wait, I’m totally okay!” that just sorta makes the whole experience feel cheapened.

Now, I think in the right place it can be a well done plot device, but I feel like in that instance it shouldn’t be one of those “I watched you get shot/stabbed right in the head/heart! How are you still here?”

“Oh, well, using the ancient technique of/using the power of/using time travel/using etc. I came back!” type of deals.

By and large I’m a firm believer that when you die, you’re dead. Unless you’ve got a darn good reason to suddenly not be dead, if you die in one of my novels you’re gone. In that regard, I try to be exceedingly cautious when I make the decision to end a character’s life, hero or villain. When someone dies, or when you’re afraid that someone is going to die, it means so much more when you know that there’s nothing that can change what’s coming.

When you understand the weight and importance of death in a Dragon House Studios novel, and you’re reading and being taken on this hard won hard fought journey where nothing is promised, you’re pulled in so much deeper than before. I think two of the greatest compliments I’ve ever received on my writing was when one person told me “I was so mad at you! I was so scared that ___ was going to die, and you just dragged that out and I kept waiting and hoping and then there were the blank pages of silence and then-“ and I’m just gonna stop right there before something gets spoiled for you.

The other compliment was when someone, a friend, came up and punched me in the arm shouting “YOU JERK! YOU KILLED ___! I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU KILLED ____! I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!!!”

Yeah, it was pretty great.

This is gonna sound a little bit morbid, but, I feel like if I’m able to elicit that strong of a reaction out of character death then I’ve done my job well. You’re endeared to a character, you’re attached to them, you love them and you care for their well-being. When they hurt, you hurt. When they smile, you smile. When they experience loss, you experience that loss right along with them…and when they die…

It means something.

So, do you know where you’re going when you’re gone? How do you feel about character deaths? Have you experienced a loss that shook you as well? Take heart and faith in the love and goodness of God and His promises, and know that there’s a home in heaven for all of us. This has been a Dragon House Studios spotlight. Much love, God bless, and be safe out there.

-Eugene A.R. Ward
“Xeawn”